


supposed to be apart

by okkanai



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga)
Genre: I add smut somewhere in here bcuz I'm gay and can't help myself, M/M, accidentally deleted my tags cuz I'm dumb, also angst, au where they're american bcuz I have no knowledge of culture, did I mention angst because, it's there, this will be angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2019-10-13 12:19:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17487944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okkanai/pseuds/okkanai
Summary: Akira doesn't know what to do now that Ryo's gone.





	1. harsh but soft, right ryo?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my friends!](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+friends%21).



> I love music a lot and it really influences my writing so you can totally listen to what I'm listening if you'd like! May help ya... get in the mood XD for my totally great writing sksks. 
> 
> My playlist! Hope this fancy coding works, lmao.  
> [clicky clicky!](https://open.spotify.com/user/natandkim/playlist/2jsafr7tBkKYOShD98FUgn?si=0lwgoWKqTo-_23HSU6KkLw)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my computer froze and deleted my notes so uhh
> 
> all I said was that I write a weird hodgepodge mixture of British English and American English, as well as the fact that I love the 80s devilman ('the birth') a lot more than devilman crybaby so understand that a lot of references will be more oriented towards that!  
> anyway, enjoy!  
> sorry, my chapters are so short... (I have a fear of losing them, so. lmao)

"Stay the **fuck** away from me!"  
Those were the last words he said to me. Honestly, upon considering his suggestion for more than a minute, I probably should've listened. But me being me, how could I?  
I guess you could say I was clingy. Everyone always called me a crybaby, so it'd be fair enough if you were to say so too. Ryo always used to call me that. Yet I always crawled back to him like a dog on a lead. It was strange. It was very strange, the things we always did... the pictures of us in cheap polaroids, the diary entries. I guess it really isn't normal, is it? To come to a screeching halt in front of a house your friend is staying in saying something like "get in!" in the frenzy of 3 am. I guess it wasn't normal at all to have one person to go to, one person you always went to, in case your father, on a whim, wanted to stab you in your sleep. That wasn't normal at all.  
But we weren't normal. We belonged in the crazy world we were born in. If it were anywhere else I'm not sure what I would've done with myself. Honestly, I would've probably begged whatever god there was out there to send me somewhere more _interesting_. And this sure was interesting. 

Ryo and I were surely special, you could say. It's not every day you emerge from the woods to sweep your friend off his feet to hunt demons. That surely doesn't happen to everyone else, does it? Miki always mentioned how I should stay away from Ryo. And apparently, Ryo agrees. How could he though? We were best friends. He was the only person I could _ever_ trust. Why now is that changing? A sudden change of heart? Someone new? The second that thought entered my brain, it wouldn't leave. It's probably a girl. Ryo, in all his riches, could get anyone he wanted, and the person he wanted probably entered his life not long before he decided we should never meet again.  
You could say I was jealous. Thinking these things, if I said it wasn't like me, I'd be lying. Thinking like this is _totally_ like me. Ryo... smiling about some inside joke that wasn't made with me... why could I imagine it so easily? He was all I had, and I was all he had. He had no parents that were 'of any use' (his words, not mine) and mine were always gone. Where? Who knows. Maybe they'll come "home" wherever that is; someday. He was always aloof about it all. Me, however, clung to him like the lonely little kid I really am inside. He was always so cold, saying he wouldn't give a shit if his dad had a change of heart all the sudden. Yet I... always cry whenever I feel memories start to seep back.  
If I said Ryo was particularly there for me, I believe I'd be lying. Ryo was mean. Ryo was cold. But still... Ryo was my friend. I cared about him, and if I try hard enough, it's easy to convince myself he cares about me too.  
_Does he care?_  
Do I have the right to call him my friend? Am I even allowed to care about him so much, or do I just seem like a crazy fangirl over a celebrity? Speaking of which, that's probably what he is now. Some famous, hot, rich guy, living the life with girls at his side, fawning over him the way I seem to do when I get lost in thought.  
It's only been three months at this point, hasn't it? Three months since he got on that train, yelling at me, near tears in his eyes (if my own hadn't deceived me)... I wish I could've been there next to him, getting on that same train. If I wasn't crazy, which according to my recent self-examination, I totally fucking am-- then maybe I would be wondering- "where the hell is he now?" but due to the fear that if I _did_ follow him I'd be seen as a stalker, I haven't done anything with that information.

He was going to Columbia. Columbia University. He was going to go to an insanely prestigious college at the age of 18, years older than he honestly should've, to study history or something like that. I suppose that Ryo and his father did have some things in common. Don't tell him I said that though. Ryo's father was a big shot archaeologist, some kind of crazy explorer who pursued finding the biggest, shiniest objects and selling them. It seemed Ryo decided upon a similar path. It wouldn't surprise me at all though. Ryo was all about that weird shit, he probably wants to go deep into the ground and unearth the holy grail just to have his face on the cover of a magazine. If you ask me, he should be on a magazine cover for different reasons. That's beside the point-- Ryo was off studying with his probably super smart college friends. There was no room for me in that life of his. It didn't help that he asked to never see me and that I'm just an idiot who's apparently only good at bringing everyone down and crying.

That’s all I think I’ll ever be, though Ryo _tried_ to convince me otherwise. Though it didn’t really work, the idea of Ryo trying to get me to feel better made my heart flutter without me even trying. I can just imagine his fragile fingers on my back, drawing soothing circles. "People like you because you're always so empathetic. It's the way your brain was built, Akira." Even the way his breath always danced on the air the way ice laces your lungs in the winter, he had a charm that made him seem much warmer than his facade let show. Ryo's breath came out in long pulses, making me shiver every time. I could feel his warm, yet surprisingly cold, breathing against my neck. His fingers drawing patterns on my shoulder blades.

What was I talking about?

Ryo is soft, I always liked to say.  
"Ryo your hair is so soft."  
"Ryo your coat is so fluffy."  
"Ryo-" Ryo would never listen though.  
"Idiot. Grab your jacket. We're going out."  
"For all that is holy Akira, please, just-" I wish I could've stopped his stupid comebacks with a kiss, or done something super bold and charming to make him stop in his tracks, blush, and say some dumb rom-com level phrase. He'd blush, smile up at me through his bangs, and say something like "did I ever tell you how much I love you?" but that would _never_ happen. The real Ryo would say something like "Akira you're so dumb." He'd probably even say something philosophical like "Akira, you're a fool for wasting your time on love." but he'd be wrong.  
Love isn't a waste of time... is it Ryo?

You know better than that.

Love isn't a waste of time.  
_Especially_ when I'm loving you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, thanks for reading! I've got no posting schedule but imma try and actually spend my time on making this legit and actually posting chapters.


	2. Chapter 2

This was a bad idea, wasn’t it? Before you judge me, hear me out! There isn’t even an excuse, is there? No matter how much I tried you’d just wave me off, right? I honestly don’t understand why I was doing it. I was packing my bags, ready to catch my ten o’clock train. It was a mistake; all of this was, and believe me, I was aware. Miki told me over and over, “I understand you want to make amends but you can’t just leave!” Wise words, Miki, wise words, but am I wise? Since when have I listened to good advice? I honestly don’t understand myself. Maybe it was the fact that “love makes you stupid,” right? I always heard something along the lines of that when I was growing up. “You’ll understand when you’re older.” Well, I guess I finally understand. 

I don’t _feel_ like myself. I feel stupid. All I think about, all I can bear to let through my mind is him, him, _him_. His eyes, like a frozen wasteland. Freezing cold and sad, in a way, like you just knew something _could’ve_ made life there but was killed off. His skin, softer than silk and beautiful, _so_ beautiful. Prettier than freshly fallen snow. His hair, the same gentle softness and paleness as his skin. And oh God, his voice. When he speaks I can feel angels singing, and though it’s cheesy, I swear to God heaven sings when he speaks. Words leave his mouth like snow falling from the fluffy clouds that lace the- _Dear God,_ Akira. 

You’re insane.  
You’re _literally_ crazy. God forbid you try and stop these thoughts for once- actually no. You’ve tried. And you know you’ve tried. But every single day it’s Ryo, Ryo, Ryo.  
And here you are. Talking to yourself like you’re someone else.  
In some way you are. You’ve changed so much over the past few years, and frankly, becoming madly in love with your best friend didn’t help _anything_.  
But you’re still you. No. I’m still me. Yes. I. Me.  
And _I_ am in love with my best friend.  
My only friend, actually.  
Damn. My life is sad. But hey, soon I’ll be in New York, seeing Ryo’s gorgeous face as if I’d never seen it before.  
Talk about separation anxiety.  
I repeat. Damn. My life is sad.  
But I would see Ryo again, his face alone will make me feel significantly better and I’ll… we’ll… shit. What will I do after that?  
What if I arrive there and he’s just what I feared. Girls by his side, that classic, aloof look on his face, the kind that quickly turns to disgust upon seeing my face. His lip would curl upward in that way that seems to bare teeth, and his eyes, his gorgeous, cold eyes would stare into my soul and ask me: “why are you here?” In the way that implies he’s repulsed that I am so. I would be there, he would ask me in that silky, melodic tone and maybe even add in “you know I don’t want you here” or something equally as sharp.  
“Akira. You’re an absolute idiot.”  
That I am. But um. I’m _your_ idiot. Isn’t that what everyone says? 

_Ding!_ As if to purposefully pull me from my thoughts, I could hear the announcer's voice marking my arrival. Here goes nothing. I grabbed my bag and stepped off the train onto the solid concrete of the subway. Eyeing signs, I walked up the stairs to the surface. I took in the brightness of the sun above my head. The skyscrapers I saw were taller than any building I'd ever seen. The grandness of the buildings was almost difficult to take in. How did Ryo walk through here every day? Why did I think that? Jeez... Now I'm imagining Ryo, walking swiftly down these streets, his Fjallraven backpack hanging loosely off his shoulders- It was a peaceful thought. I smiled lightly in spite of myself. Okay. Focus, Akira. Time for you to find the school. Columbia… Columbia… Columbia University! There it is! Holy shit. I might be in over my head with this rich smart person school… 

That’s when I saw him. I could feel my heart, light with excitement, start beating so loud I could barely hear my thoughts. But one thought echoed over and over. _Ryo, Ryo, Ryo--!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im trying to keep writing man i super am! i just dont know what to do lol. my writing is usually in increments, ive never done like *chapters* before. so uh? bare with me?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for spending your time to read my crap! If you'd like to read more of my stuff I have a Wattpad! (Though it's not nearly as professional as what I write here, I update it much more often)  
> [this link may work](https://www.wattpad.com/user/Fandom-Hell)


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